Chapter One
Chakotay's POV
It was a question that races through everyone’s mind, from the greenest of Ensigns to the senior staff.
After all these years of being at her side, how could I leave her and betray her trust? How could I cast her from me to survive in the treachery of the Delta quadrant without me at her side to ease her burdens?
Did I no longer l love her? Did her constant rebukes of my affection push me to let go of all my dreams and hopes of a future? Or, was it our most recent conflict that had finally snapped the bond that kept us together?
I couldn’t give you just one reason. We have been drifting away from each other for so long that I no longer know what single moment caused me to back away from her, locking my feelings away, never to be spoken of again.
My spirit cries out for her, needing the peace that only she can bring me but I know that she will never allow my soul to anchor hers in her darkest of days. There was a time when she would have accepted my comfort but no longer.
Each denial cuts deeply, shredding me to pieces until only a frayed tether remains between whom I had become and who I once was.
Her warmth had brought me home but her slow metamorphous into the uncompromising captain, was destroying us all. We could only watch as the vivacious glow faded from her vibrant blue eyes, leaving behind a dull shine. No longer were smiles gracing her face, instead a frown was her constant companion. She denied us all, refusing the bond of family to come between her and her duties to us, no matter the lengths we went to gather her back into the fold.
Her stubbornness was eroding away her essence and leaving behind a cold being whose only obsession was to keep a promise given to us at the start of our journey.
Did she not realize that she was smothering us all? We could care less about reaching home, if we lost her in the process.
Did she not know that we were home?
There was no other place that I would rather be than by her side, but I could no longer stand by and watch her destroy herself. I could no longer bear to look into her eyes and watch her spirit die, helpless to save her.
Everyone asks me why Seven and not Kathryn, whom I’ve loved since the moment I saw her.
I can only answer with one word…
Solace.
Chapter Two
Kathryn’s POV
The crew thinks that I don’t hear all the whispers that trail behind me as I walk through the corridors as I make my rounds. That somehow, because I’m the captain, I’ve become impervious to listening to the gossip that runs rampant on this ship.
To them, I am merely a larger than life figure that hides behind the cold mask of duties and protocols. They could never imagine that I have needs, desires and fears. A belief that I’ve enforced over the last seven years that we’ve been together. I’ve only let them only see their commanding officer and not the woman that I once was.
I sit by myself in the messhall, surrounded by the sounds of laughter and companionship.
Instead of reassure me of their contentment, the sounds grate upon my unraveling emotions. I struggle to not to show them how resentful I am. I resent how carefree they sound. They are free of the worries of command, free of the stress of having 150 lives in the palm of their hands, free of the constant guilt that batters at me every single moment of my day, whether I’m awake or a sleep. I should feel content that they have found hope and family to make the long days bearable, a part of me yearns to join them, even as another part of me cruelly tears down that wish.
As I sit in the middle of them, I’ve come to understand how alone a person can be.
Peace, friendship, companionship… love. Four simple words. Four things that I do not deserve to have until I’ve kept my promise to them. How could I have everything I desire when my crew suffers everyday without their loved ones? How could I have happiness in his arms, as they mourn for the touch of their husbands or wives?
I can’t…
Every night I dream of us reaching home and once there, we’ll have plenty of time to be together. There, I will be free to admit everything that I’ve kept hidden from him, tear down the walls that have for so long been a barrier between us and at last let him see the love that I have for him in my eyes. At last, I’ll be at his side and in his arms, my body pressed tightly to his, our hearts beating as one and our hands clasped as they had once been so very long ago.
I ache to find the peace that I once had discovered while on distance planet, that was a lifetime away. It was there that we had made promises to each other. Promises of love and a future together. We had never spoken them aloud but the unspoken words had formed a connection between our souls. In that paradise, away from everyone, I knew that I was his and he was mine.
He was the other half of me. He was my soul mate.
To hear me say this, even if it is only in my mind, seems fanciful. Who would have thought that the scientist in me would come embrace such a spiritual belief? However, I cannot deny what I feel in my heart. I will never speak of it out loud, I will keep it close and hidden from everyone.
Our bond has grown between us and it has strengthened as the years have passed. He is my guidance and my balance. He alone anchors me and protects me from the demons that threaten to overwhelm me and drive me mad with guilt and remorse.
As the years have passed, I’ve felt myself changing. I’ve grow harder and started to distance myself from everyone. I’m no longer the same person that I once was. These long years have taken a toll upon me, a far greater price has been extracted than I could have guessed at the beginning of this journey.
Time has passed so slowly that I can see my weariness etched upon my features as I look upon my reflection in the mirror. The light dusting of foundation and rouge that I wear can no longer hide the lines of stress that mar my pale flesh. They would go unnoticed unless you looked closely upon me, as he always does.
His concern grows as I become colder and begin to retreat further from everyone. It’s there in his gaze as our eyes meet and it makes me be more defensive around him, straining our relationship until it’s close to snapping.
He thinks I don’t know or perhaps that I don’t care how things have become between us. That our pulling away from each other is something that I have always wanted. Unaware of how devastating this is to me, that I’m losing a battle that I can’t fight because of our circumstances.
As each argument erupts between us, our carefully constructed house of cards has begun to collapse. Its foundation eroding away, to leave behind the raw emotions that we have for so many years kept hidden from each other. Emotions that I refuse to give voice to, instead I lash out at him to protect myself from admitting the truth.
My heart aches as I see his love for me dying in his eyes with each harsh word that spills from my lips, knowing that I am the cause of shredding his hopes and dreams, forever obliterating his hope for a life together. Silently I cry out as I lose him a little bit each day but I’m too stubborn to give voice to what we both yearn.
How much longer is he willing to be at my side, receiving only derision from me even as he offers me so much more? I don’t know if the situation was reversed if I could be as strong as he has been, to care for someone and not have that love returned openly.
I knew that it would only be a matter of time before he looked elsewhere for the love that I couldn’t give him.
That day came sooner than I could have expected and it has become a day that has been forever burned into my memory.
Neelix had just handed me my coffee, when I heard the stirring of rumors about them.
I was stunned. The walls of the messhall seemed to cave in on me. I felt them press down upon me until I became trapped within a small cage made of gray walls. I fought to breathe and my chest tightened painfully as the words ripped through my psyche. I don’t know how I found the strength to remain standing before my crew, in that moment I wanted nothing more than to fall to the floor in a heap and cry out in denial, as if my cries of grief could banish what I had just heard.
My vision began to dim and become distorted, I saw white spots flickering across my eyes and all the color in the room vanished and leaving behind a canvas of gray, black and white wherever I turned.
In my daze, the cup of steaming coffee fell from my hand, falling against the counter and spilling the hot liquid scalding over my hand and uniform. In the distance, I heard Neelix call out to me. His words garbled and impossible to make out, as if I was under water.
I ignored his frantic calls for my attention and stared down at my reddening flesh, I barely felt the pain of the injury when I compared to ache within my soul.
Why?
Why Seven, Chakotay?
Do you love her or are you trying to hurt me for all the years I’ve pushed you away? How can I see you everyday and know that you are no longer mine?
So many questions, raced through my mind but my heart cried out the only one that matter.
How can I continue without you by my side?